My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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