I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
