He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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