You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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