Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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