Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
