Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
