Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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