I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
