Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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