he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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