Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
