I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.