I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
