So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
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There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
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You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.