Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
