I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
