The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
