my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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