She is in my trunk
time to smoke my breakfast
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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