You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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