You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Everyone says I win the strip club
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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