I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The feeling are messing with the penis
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
