she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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