we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
two words...techno handjob
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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