wanna go halves on a baby?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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