Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
