Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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