Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
id be glad to
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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