dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
