So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
