THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
