Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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