You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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