You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
