my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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