What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
