So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
