remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
only if we run a train.
done.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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