Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
