Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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