I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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