my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you had me at cake vodka
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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