She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
