My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
No I am not eating basil off your cock
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
