just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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