U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
