I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
