I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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