Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
