Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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