it's too hot outside to masturbate.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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