My pussy is not your playground.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
