he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
