bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
