I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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